posted 04-04-2001 11:29 PM            

A little over a year ago I cheated on my boyfriend. I call it cheating because I know that if he'd done it to me I'd be very hurt and if he knew he'd be hurt. Thats right, I never told him. And I managed to push it out of my head, but lately it's come back.

We'd been together two months and then I was apart from him for about a month. I met a guy, we became fast friends. Just friends. Then, just before I was to rejoin my boyfriend at college, my friend gave me a back massage that turned into him feeling me up. We both freaked (he had a girlfriend of two years) and he left the room without us saying anything about. I think we were both surprised. We knew there was sexual tension, we were attracted to one another, but we'd talked about our lives and how much we cared about our significant others. It gets worse though. The next night we got drunk (the night before I left) and did some light petting. Similar to Alunah's story. We cuddled a bit first and then it started. It only lasted about 5 minutes. We never kissed. I remember it so clearly. It was like something in my fuzzy head suddenly snapped awake and I sat up and must have had the "what am I /doing/?!" look on my face. He was really quiet for a minute and then told me to promise him that when I got back to school I would rekindle the spark with my boyfriend. I got angry with him then for saying that, because I still HAD the flame...I was just so confused right then!

I was so guilt ridden. In the end, I decided not to tell my boyfriend. Primarily, I suppose it was a selfish decision. I was afraid of what he would think of me after that. But the other reason was that I /knew/ I would never do anything like that again. And I could not bear the hurt I would cause if I told him! It seemed like needless hurt since I knew it was done with and there was no chance of my doing it again.

I read somewhere once that it sometimes the cheater tells the cheated-on what happened out of selfishness...if you can believe that (and I did, and do). And that brings me to today. We just got back from another brief period of being apart and, as always, I was so happy to be near him again. But then he jokingly said, "I didn't cheat on you while I was gone!" because I was teasing him about the girls he met. I said I knew he would never do that and he looked in my eyes and said so softly, "No, I would never do that."... It makes me turn to ash inside. Especially when that was followed by, "And I know you'd never do that to me." said with all sincerity and his voice so full of trust (his last two girlfriends cheated on him)...I feel like the lowest species of life on the planet.

So I've been considering telling him. But I'm not sure! All I can think since then when we're together having a sweet moment is, "I'm not worthy!" But there is no good way to bring it up...to say, "I've been keeping this from you for a year..." It would relieve my guilt, but he would then start to wonder what else I've been hiding (nothing else like that!). I haven't cheated on him since...or even come close to it.

I want to, I don't want to... I am the scum of the earth. My guilt has even made me paranoid. That first night when he said that about not cheating he also made a joke about me not telling him all my secrets. With my guilt already around my neck I suddenly thought, what if he knows? What if he knows and refuses to say anything. What if he has cheated on me because he knows and isn't telling me?

I can't believe I thought that!!!

I feel like I'm being eaten alive by guilt, and you know what they say, the guilty are always the first to suspect wrong-doings in others.

I love this guy so much. I just want to do the right thing. For HIM. And for us.

[This message has been edited by Terapin (edited 04-04-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Terapin (edited 04-04-2001).]

posted 04-05-2001 06:34 AM            

If my girlfriend came to me and told me what's weighing on your mind, oh yeah, I'd be devastated. Hurt, pissed, angry, confused, and yes, I'd probably accuse her of having other things to hide and demand to know what they are. I don't know if the realtionship could ever be the same after that, particularly if I'd been cheated on before (I personally haven't, at least not that I know about, so I can't speak to that point).

Maybe, and this is taking the really long-view analytical perspective, it would strengthen the relationship because if she could be honest about that, it would make me realize that she cares enough about me to be honest with me about everything, especially if I could tell she genuinely felt bad and guilty about what she'd done. But, frankly, it'd be much more likely that I'd be incredibly hurt and bail out of the relationship ASAP. She would have to be extraordinarily special, I would have to absolutely love her and pretty much know that she's the one to keep me from pulling the plug on it after something like that.

Of course, I'm not the same guy you have to deal with, so I don't know how much help that will be, but that's how I would see the situation. I guess I'm going to duck out without making a recommendation about what I think you should do, because truthfully I don't know. I know you love and care about this man a great deal, Terapin, and I can tell how heavily this is weighing on you. I wish I could be more helpful, but in the end I think you will just have to listen to your instincts, consider what kind of person your boyfriend is... and hope to hell that if you don't tell him, he doesn't find out some other way, because that WILL be a disaster, that I can assure you. Best of luck and hope you feel better!

PS, You're not the scum of the earth. The scum of the earth wouldn't care so much about anyone else's feelings.

posted 04-05-2001 10:52 AM            

I don't think you should tell him. Here's why, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, it will only hurt you and eat you up, IF YOU LET IT!

Guilt is one of those emotions YOU control.
You messed around with some other guy after dating your current boyfriend for ONLY 2 MONTHS.... there is no commitment yet, or in my opinion there shouldn't be, plus you were on a break, you hadn't seen him in how long? Woman need cuddling. We usually don't care much about the sex part, we just need to be held sometimes. Now you didn't mess with this guy because you had any malicious intent, or to hurt you Bo'. It was out of lonliness.

Another thing is that he is going to be exactly what Shayne said, upset, angry, all those things. And might acuse you of other things or be suspicious. Why do you want to make him feel that way? To stop your own guilt. Telling someone is very selfish, if you are truly commited, than doing what (we) did in the first place is selfish. But a little selfishness is okay once in a while. But when you commited that act, you took on the guilt. That giult is YOUR emotion, YOUR problem, don't make it his too.

Forgive yourself girl! So you F%&$ed up, everyone is entitled to screw ups. Make an oath to yourself, and don't do it again!

You are obviously very caring, you help people here all the time. Be caring about you and your BO's feelings. Shayne makes a good case, I offer another look. It's up to you girl, you know your BO' and you know yourself.

There's my realistic view..... Hope I didn't offend you, hope that I helped.

Good luck Honey!

posted 04-05-2001 11:49 AM            

I say, don't tell. You're right. Telling is what the guilty do to make themselves feel better (and what you did wasn't that bad, honey). It will only affect your relationship if you let it, and I strongly suggest you don't let it...

posted 04-05-2001 04:32 PM            

When it comes down to it, only YOU know the guy, only YOU know what needs to be done...but, just to throw in my two cents worth, I would tell him. If he really loves you, I think he'll understand. First, you had only been together for two months, AND you'd been apart for a long time. Plus, you were drunk. Plus, it's not like you screwed the guy. By coming clean, it will actually build trust (at least that's my theory).

To be honest, I think the whole "you only tell for selfish reasons" argument is a load of bull$hit. The only reason you DON'T tell is for selfish reasons...by NOT telling, you are being dishonest to someone you supposedly love very much. It sounds more selfish to me to keep this secret just because you're scared of the repercussions. If you want him to love you for who you are, stop lying to him.

Then again, that's how I see it. Maybe I'm too honest, I don't know. The truth is - you already know what you need to do. For you and for him. All the advice in the world isn't going to change that.