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Terapin	I didn't want to steal the line of thought away from Alunah's thread, but I have a related quandry. It may sound familiar to some of you because I related a little of the story awhile back in reply to another post. A little over a year ago I cheated on my boyfriend. I call it cheating because I know that if he'd done it to me I'd be very hurt and if he knew he'd be hurt. Thats right, I never told him. And I managed to push it out of my head, but lately it's come back. We'd been together two months and then I was apart from him for about a month. I met a guy, we became fast friends. Just friends. Then, just before I was to rejoin my boyfriend at college, my friend gave me a back massage that turned into him feeling me up. We both freaked (he had a girlfriend of two years) and he left the room without us saying anything about. I think we were both surprised. We knew there was sexual tension, we were attracted to one another, but we'd talked about our lives and how much we cared about our significant others. It gets worse though. The next night we got drunk (the night before I left) and did some light petting. Similar to Alunah's story. We cuddled a bit first and then it started. It only lasted about 5 minutes. We never kissed. I remember it so clearly. It was like something in my fuzzy head suddenly snapped awake and I sat up and must have had the "what am I /doing/?!" look on my face. He was really quiet for a minute and then told me to promise him that when I got back to school I would rekindle the spark with my boyfriend. I got angry with him then for saying that, because I still HAD the flame...I was just so confused right then! I was so guilt ridden. In the end, I decided not to tell my boyfriend. Primarily, I suppose it was a selfish decision. I was afraid of what he would think of me after that. But the other reason was that I /knew/ I would never do anything like that again. And I could not bear the hurt I would cause if I told him! It seemed like needless hurt since I knew it was done with and there was no chance of my doing it again. I read somewhere once that it sometimes the cheater tells the cheated-on what happened out of selfishness...if you can believe that (and I did, and do). And that brings me to today. We just got back from another brief period of being apart and, as always, I was so happy to be near him again. But then he jokingly said, "I didn't cheat on you while I was gone!" because I was teasing him about the girls he met. I said I knew he would never do that and he looked in my eyes and said so softly, "No, I would never do that."... It makes me turn to ash inside. Especially when that was followed by, "And I know you'd never do that to me." said with all sincerity and his voice so full of trust (his last two girlfriends cheated on him)...I feel like the lowest species of life on the planet. So I've been considering telling him. But I'm not sure! All I can think since then when we're together having a sweet moment is, "I'm not worthy!" But there is no good way to bring it up...to say, "I've been keeping this from you for a year..." It would relieve my guilt, but he would then start to wonder what else I've been hiding (nothing else like that!). I haven't cheated on him since...or even come close to it. I want to, I don't want to... I am the scum of the earth. My guilt has even made me paranoid. That first night when he said that about not cheating he also made a joke about me not telling him all my secrets. With my guilt already around my neck I suddenly thought, what if he knows? What if he knows and refuses to say anything. What if he has cheated on me because he knows and isn't telling me? I can't believe I thought that!!! I feel like I'm being eaten alive by guilt, and you know what they say, the guilty are always the first to suspect wrong-doings in others. I love this guy so much. I just want to do the right thing. For HIM. And for us. [This message has been edited by Terapin (edited 04-04-2001).] [This message has been edited by Terapin (edited 04-04-2001).] [This message has been edited by Terapin (edited 04-04-2001).]
Shayne	I told Alunah that basically honesty is the best policy in these situations, but then again her situation was different - she had to tell a friend, not a boyfriend. I'm torn on whether to change my opinion for this case or stick with what I said originally. Let me try and put it in perspective at least from a guy's point of view. If my girlfriend came to me and told me what's weighing on your mind, oh yeah, I'd be devastated. Hurt, pissed, angry, confused, and yes, I'd probably accuse her of having other things to hide and demand to know what they are. I don't know if the realtionship could ever be the same after that, particularly if I'd been cheated on before (I personally haven't, at least not that I know about, so I can't speak to that point). Maybe, and this is taking the really long-view analytical perspective, it would strengthen the relationship because if she could be honest about that, it would make me realize that she cares enough about me to be honest with me about everything, especially if I could tell she genuinely felt bad and guilty about what she'd done. But, frankly, it'd be much more likely that I'd be incredibly hurt and bail out of the relationship ASAP. She would have to be extraordinarily special, I would have to absolutely love her and pretty much know that she's the one to keep me from pulling the plug on it after something like that. Of course, I'm not the same guy you have to deal with, so I don't know how much help that will be, but that's how I would see the situation. I guess I'm going to duck out without making a recommendation about what I think you should do, because truthfully I don't know. I know you love and care about this man a great deal, Terapin, and I can tell how heavily this is weighing on you. I wish I could be more helpful, but in the end I think you will just have to listen to your instincts, consider what kind of person your boyfriend is... and hope to hell that if you don't tell him, he doesn't find out some other way, because that WILL be a disaster, that I can assure you. Best of luck and hope you feel better! PS, You're not the scum of the earth. The scum of the earth wouldn't care so much about anyone else's feelings. [This message has been edited by Shayne (edited 04-05-2001).]
Alunah	Okay here's what I have to say.... Shayne is right, listen to him, smart guy, but here's what I think on cheating. I have come to some conclusions since my post about it. I don't think you should tell him. Here's why, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, it will only hurt you and eat you up, IF YOU LET IT! Guilt is one of those emotions YOU control. You messed around with some other guy after dating your current boyfriend for ONLY 2 MONTHS.... there is no commitment yet, or in my opinion there shouldn't be, plus you were on a break, you hadn't seen him in how long? Woman need cuddling. We usually don't care much about the sex part, we just need to be held sometimes. Now you didn't mess with this guy because you had any malicious intent, or to hurt you Bo'. It was out of lonliness. Another thing is that he is going to be exactly what Shayne said, upset, angry, all those things. And might acuse you of other things or be suspicious. Why do you want to make him feel that way? To stop your own guilt. Telling someone is very selfish, if you are truly commited, than doing what (we) did in the first place is selfish. But a little selfishness is okay once in a while. But when you commited that act, you took on the guilt. That giult is YOUR emotion, YOUR problem, don't make it his too. Forgive yourself girl! So you F%&$ed up, everyone is entitled to screw ups. Make an oath to yourself, and don't do it again! You are obviously very caring, you help people here all the time. Be caring about you and your BO's feelings. Shayne makes a good case, I offer another look. It's up to you girl, you know your BO' and you know yourself. There's my realistic view..... Hope I didn't offend you, hope that I helped. Good luck Honey! ------------------ Life is a roller coster, throw your hands up and screw the ride!
ellybelly	woops, sorry, didn't read as closely as I should have. I say, don't tell. You're right. Telling is what the guilty do to make themselves feel better (and what you did wasn't that bad, honey). It will only affect your relationship if you let it, and I strongly suggest you don't let it... [This message has been edited by ellybelly (edited 04-05-2001).]
Yikes	Eeh...I think I'm going to have to agree with Shayne on the "honesty is the best policy" thing. I'm a huge advocate of open communication - I don't think secrets have any part in a healthy relationship. When it comes down to it, only YOU know the guy, only YOU know what needs to be done...but, just to throw in my two cents worth, I would tell him. If he really loves you, I think he'll understand. First, you had only been together for two months, AND you'd been apart for a long time. Plus, you were drunk. Plus, it's not like you screwed the guy. By coming clean, it will actually build trust (at least that's my theory). To be honest, I think the whole "you only tell for selfish reasons" argument is a load of bull$hit. The only reason you DON'T tell is for selfish reasons...by NOT telling, you are being dishonest to someone you supposedly love very much. It sounds more selfish to me to keep this secret just because you're scared of the repercussions. If you want him to love you for who you are, stop lying to him. Then again, that's how I see it. Maybe I'm too honest, I don't know. The truth is - you already know what you need to do. For you and for him. All the advice in the world isn't going to change that. Good luck!! Everything will turn out for the best.
Terapin	Thank you everyone for your replies. I've been thinking about them all and thinking about the relationship I have with my boyfriend and all those other factors, and for now I have decided not to tell him. I think I've decided that if the situation were reversed I would not want to know. Just like, in the honesty of answering a question I asked about his past, he told me things I would rather not know about his sexual history. Not bad things, just ones where I'd rather he'd given a general, "I've had sex with one girl." NOT, "We used to drive out to such-and-such a place and have sex in my car..." so that every time we pass that place in his car I remember that and get a gross/jealous feeeling. I think he would dwell on it, and I KNOW thats not necessary. Because I am fiercly loyal to him! But here is the catch. He told me about the girl who came on to him and kissed him while he was drunk during that SAME time that I was away. Ironically, the first night we were back together, when I was thinking of how to tell him, he burst out with his whole story. I didn't tell him mine in return. I was understanding and didn't blame him for the kissing incident, I knew he felt horrible. I know he would have reacted the same towards my story, but I couldn't tell him. Maybe it's because he's been cheated on before and seems so fragile in that regard. Maybe I just breathed a sigh of relief, felt the guilt lift (for a time), and decided that if I wasn't upset by his little incident than there was no reason to talk about mine. HOWEVER, I am going to tell him eventually. Just not right now. "The guy" graduated, but I've heard that he's coming to visit in May. After his visit I'm going to tell my boyfriend. I think I will combine the stories into a "were drunk, kind of snuggled, was felt up" generalization. I know it's like a half-truth, but I think I will feel better if he just knows that I screwed up once, and it will be easier on him if I don't get too specific and keep it short. I want to tell him after the guy is gone again so that in case he sees him it won't fuel his anger/hurt. I'm a little scared because he's graduating and I'm not and I don't want him to think he can't trust me to be away from him for any extended amount of time. How do I emphasize that this happend once, over a year ago, and I have been staunchly faithful ever since and will always be faithful? Well, anyway, wish me luck. Thanks again, you gave me a lot to think about and I truly do appreciate each and every one of you. ------------------ *The~Turtle*
Shayne	Sounds like you've definitely given this a lot of thought, and I think you've arrived at a wise decision. I'm glad you've decided to be honest with your boyfriend, and I think the way you're choosing to do it is a good route. Minimizes potential damage and emotional turmoil and all of that, and I think the small bit of fact-fudging is an acceptable compromise for that. The best way you can emphasize that this happened once, a long time ago, and won't happen again, is just by saying that as honestly and forthrightly as you can - and then you have to wait and see what he does, because the ball will be in his court. Ultimately, if he truly loves and trusts you, he'll understand. I think in the long run this won't be catastrophic, but it's good that you're taking it seriously. Good luck!