posted 03-16-2001 04:40 PM            

I have two problems. Three, if I admit that one is that I am too inclined to jealousy. Personal flaws aside (but I thought I'd at least let you know how my personality colors my view of things), I'll tell you the other problems.

First is my boyfriend's tendancy to save everything he has written or recieved from previous girlfriends. The other day I saw him looking at an email from a girl who's name I didn't recognize and asked who she was, thinking she was from one of his classes or an old friend. He quickly covered the computer screen with his hand(!) and told me it was nothing, but she was his ex-girlfriend. Then, since he knew he was going to have to do some more explaining after that, he let me know that he saves his old emails. That kind of upset me. I deleted the emails from my ex when I started dating again- when I was ready to move on. He says its not because he can't move on, or because he's hanging on to the past and wants to relive those old memories, its because he wants to remember what he was like back then. That makes sense but I can't stop feeling hurt that he has to keep these love letters from his ex's. The only reason I could see for keeping old letters is to re-read them and revive some memory and feeling. I guess I'm just jealous.

My second problem is with a different ex, one who goes to our college. She and her friend (Who is actually our roommate's ex girlfriend) came over and started this whole "game" of taking something from the apartment. The plan being that they guys would go get it back and take something of theirs... incredibly juvenile, entering while we are asleep and taking whatever they please. Anyhow, these girls haven't talked to us for months and suddenly they want to revive this "game" that they used to play when they were dating the guys. Only now I live here and it's my stuff too. When I expressed my displeasure they got all defensive (the girls) and said they used to do it all the time...blah, blah, blah. And the guys, though my boyfriend had vented to me about how annoyed he was and how he wasn't up to playing this "game" and having to worry about his stuff, shuffled their feet and stared at the floor all the while professing that they had no problems with the game, they weren't annoyed at all. As if it was all me!!!

So here I am, after spending time with both the ex's and getting to know them and establish pretty friendly relationships (back when my boyfriend and I first started dating and his roommate was still dating one of the two so we still saw them often), and suddenly I am made out to be the bitch. The one who ruins all their "fun".

So I told off my boyfriend for making me look like the bad-guy while he STILL lets his ex walk all over him. She can take our stuff and then, when he gets annoyed and wants it back (of course just venting to me, never telling her), she can come over and get angry over our not finding her joke funny. I told them it wasn't funny and to give the stuff back and it set off this whole big fight with them against me and the guys walking the middle ground. ARGH!

*whew* It feels good to vent.

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*The~Turtle*

posted 03-17-2001 10:20 AM            

About being angry that your boyfriend saves old e-mail from ex-girlfriends, though, I do have to say that, while you have every right to be upset, you have to consider that he has just as much right to keep whatever correspondance he wants from whatever previous parts of his life he's lived, and furthermore that he isn't obligated to justify them to anyone. You say "The only reason I could see for keeping old letters is to re-read them and revive some memory and feeling." Maybe so, and what's wrong with that? Reviving old memories makes one appreciate one's current experiences all the more. Your relationship doesn't exist in a vacuum, it comes with all the past experiences of both of you, and whether you're jealous of his past or not, just remember that he's with you NOW, and if his past hadn't turned out the way it did, he probably wouldn't be the same person he is today, and he probably wouldn't be with you.

posted 03-17-2001 06:56 PM            

I am also inclined to agree with Shayne about the e-mail issue. And something else to keep in mind, just because YOU can't see any other reason to keep emails hanging around, that doesn't mean he doesn't. It might be some weird form of male ego-boosting...he reads these emails to remind himself that he is a sexy, virile male. I don't know...I don't get guys. Point being...you have a right to express your concern to him. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable when you find him reading emails from old girlfriends. Let him proceed from there as he may. But unless he's receiving NEW emails from these girls, I think this falls under the "grin and bear it" category.

I also read your post about feeling like you're always in your boyfriend's shadow when you're around his friends. I have a question about that...were these people his friends before they were yours?
Also, you mentioned that you are very shy. If you want people to be able to make easy conversation with you, you need to open up to them!

I know this all sounds like crappy advice, but just remember! Communication is everything!! TALK to him about these problems...he'll be willing to compromise with you!

GOOD LUCK!!