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franny	Almost a year to the day i walked out of a ten year relationship because id met and fallen deeply in love with a man who i considered to be my soulmate.(it was love at first sight for me and it took me six months to pluck up the courage to just have a general conversation with him) "My soulmate" however was also in a relationship at the time and he didn't in fact end his relationship for another five months. So we went through a rollercoaster ride of being Lovers, Friends, Fuck Friends, and then Friends again. Finally during the last 3 months of last year when i thought we were finally beginning to take steps towards building a relationship he "dumped me" two days after Xmas. With the excuse that he would not have the time to give me what i needed i.e. some commitment. (to give you some background he is a salsa instructor and he dances at least 6days out of the week. His "friends" are mainly female. They are a group of 3 ladies who help him teach (my nickname for them is his fanclub). He has had relationships with two of them. All of them want him and have basically put there lives on hold for him. and although they cannot stand each other they tolerate each other however if an "outsider" (me!) steps in they close ranks. However I always made sure that WE did other things together away from the salsa scene. Anyway the night we parted was the saddest night of my life i literally felt my heart break i cried,and we just clung to each other. However i made it clear on that night that i would NOT do the friends thing again and that i did not want any contact at all. No telephone calls,no emails no text messages.Basically Cold Turkey!He was very upset but understood. Cold Turkey lasted for almost two months. During all this time i've been seeing a wonderful man who has treated me like a queen. To be honest i initially started dating him as distraction to get over my pain.But its turned out that i really do like him and im very attracted to him (although we haven't slept together yet simply because im so confused but he says he is prepared to wait because he feels im worth it). BUT very recently my ex has been in touch and said that his feelings for me are still there and that being way from me has made him realise what a mistake he has made and that he regrets ending our relationship. He says that he has made some changes in his life and that he has also changed. He has also said these things and more to a very close friend of mineand he has also told "the fan club" about his feelings for me.I am now back on the Salsa scene (i have not yet taken the guy that im dating dancing yet) so i see my ex quite often we dance and we talk and the emotions between us are still so high. My ex is/was weak, selfish, finds it very difficult to communicate his feelings and is scared of taking chances. I have gained nothing from having him in my life other than heartache and pain where as he has gained so much from having me in his. BUT i love him warts and all. I really don't know what to do. Should i just leave things as they are and do nothing and hope that time will allow our feelings to fade. Or should i open the door to further conversation about us getting back together and risk him breaking my heart AGAIN. They both have the ability to make me happy but in different ways. From the start I have always been very honest and open with the man that i am currently seeing with regards to my feelings. He say's perhaps i should give my ex another chance.(How generous is that?) But i dont want to hurt him and i don't want to stop seeing him. He is strong, considerate he talks to me and he makes it very clear how much he cares for me. BUT its not the same. I just want you all to know that even if there are no posts to this it doesn't matter its helped just to put my feelings down.Thanx for listening.
Tragically Right	Hi Franny, Yeah -- you kind of work things out in the translation here. But it's still nice to get a reply. I would consider it too soon to be making long term decisions with any new love at this point. Your judgement is clouded by the pain and loss of the last relationship. Sometimes, you need a diversion. Sometimes, you really need a rebound. Sometimes, you find a really cool guy, but you are just not ready yet. As for Salsa-Boy -- I have to say from experience, having to continually compete for attention sucks BIG time. I was married to a guy with a fan club. You may win here and there, but one or two of them will win out inevitably. And oh my god that hurts so bad. I would suggest you let him go and maybe even give some thought to why you are such a fan yourself. There are so many other guys out there that don't need the ego strokes of a fan club.
Freak Lady	There is a phrase which I think is appropriate here, and which I have always tried to follow myself. That phrase is "never go back". You have made a very painful break from salsa-fanclub boy, and I would imagine you are just starting to get over it and move on, difficult as it is. If you go back to him, chances are it will happen again and you'll be feeling even worse three months or six months down the line. He had his chance with you. He buggered it up. There's no going back. It might work out with this new bloke, it might not. But that isn't really the point. You say you know salsa-fanclub boy is not good for you, then you go on to say "BUT I love him". As far as I'm concerned, love should *never* be an excuse for anything, least of all for being with someone who does not appreciate you. You're worth more than that. I really hope this helps, I'm no expert but I hope what I've said makes some sense. Good luck xxx
cristal	My suggestion is to give yourself some time (away from the confusion, away from the men) to figure out why you walked out of a 10-year relationship so you could be with someone else. You haven't even mentioned how that guy felt. Was he hurt? Or was he aware of your being interested in someone else? Had you figured out that the old relationship wasn't right before you left? Or was he simply not your soulmate? What made you think Salsa Man was your soulmate, when you admit that you have never gained anything from him but heartache and pain? That sounds wrong to me. Doesn't it sound wrong to you? Why would you deem some man your "soulmate," when you gain nothing from him? Because you "love" him? Why is that enough for you? If I were you, I'd seriously think about why you'd even consider settling for someone who you gain nothing from. Sometimes, it's simply not enough to love someone. Why do you think your current boyfriend is encouraging you to explore the possibility of Salsa Man? I mean it! Ask yourself that. And don't assume he's simply being "generous," because it likely has more to do with his wanting you to make a decision -- to either poop or get off the pot. Because the more you agonize over this, the more confusion he has to endure. But, would you want to be in a relationship with a man who couldn't decide if he wanted to be with his ex-girlfriend, and he just stayed with you anyway? I know it's tempting to always go for what you want, but do you think you might need spend more time trying to understand what you really want? Yes, Salsa Man made a huge mistake, but that doesn't mean YOU have to make the next one. Going for what you want can often make you feel impulsive. You may want to consider talking someone who can help you understand why you make certain decisions. You said it yourself, that you're confused. I'd give yourself some time to get unconfused. At least a little bit! You owe it to yourself and your current boyfriend. Also, you need to consider the possibility that you might have the potential to walk out on him. Would you walk out on Salsa Man if you met another "soulmate"? It's very likely we all have more than one! [This message has been edited by cristal (edited 03-26-2001).]
cristal	Oh, and try to be grateful for what you HAVE, instead of agonizing over what you (may or may not) WANT. Apparently, this is my message of the day.