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Yikes	Okay, the guy that I mentioned earlier, the one with the girlfriend and the crush on me...we had a long conversation last night. He went home for the weekend to visit his girlfriend. She sent him a letter last week saying that she missed him and that she was still jealous of me, because I got to spend more time with him than she did. So he went home to visit her, talked to her, and ended up telling her that he still had romantic feelings for me, even though they are still unrequited. So he frantically messages me last night to see what he should do. Basically, he was freaking out because he thought he would lose her...because she said as long as we still have contact, she isn't going to trust him. So I told him that it was time to actually do something instead of just talking about it...it's obvious he doesn't want to lose his girlfriend, and there's no way to keep her if we remain in contact, so I told him it would be best if we just didn't see each other anymore. Which was rather emotionally masochistic of me, but I'm sick of seeing him so upset about all this. We talked for a while longer...he said he didn't want to have to say goodbye, he didn't think he should have to, and he wished he could have freedom. Basically, his biggest problem is that he doesn't accept the boundaries of his relationship. If he's with the type of girl who's going to (understandably) get jealous of female friends (especially with his oh-too-honest track record) and he wants to keep her, then he needs to accept the boundaries she sets for him. He asked me what I would do if I were him. And for the first time since we've been friends, I lied to him. I told him I wouldn't talk to me anymore so I could be with Heather. I think he knew I was lying. I'm fiercely independent, and if I couldn't be friends with who I wanted to be friends with, then I would drop the relationship in a second. I know he wants to be with Heather, and I think he wants to be friends with me...but he wants Heather more than me, which is understandable considering they've been together for a year. Despite the fact that I know all this, I can't help feeling a little betrayed. I know that's selfish of me...he's been with Heather for a year, and they have really great memories, and it makes sense for him to stay in a romantic relationship instead of being on his own, I guess. I think he wanted me to say that if he broke up with Heather I'd go out with him...and I wouldn't ever. Because I dated one guy already who told me he loved me for a year before he came around to telling me he was gay. I can't ever put myself in a situation with someone I don't trust, and I wouldn't be able to trust him. How would I know if he was going to leave me the second something better came along?? I sort of feel like I betrayed myself by lying to him about what I'd do. I know it's none of my business to interfere with his relationship. But I'm really going to miss him. He's been my best friend for several months now, he's one of the few people I feel emotionally connected to. And I hate the fact that I have to lose him over something like this. At the same time, I'm trying to remind myself that this is best for him and Heather, and probably for me in the long run, too. I don't know...it still makes me really sad.
cristal	The guy sounds like a lot of people these days... always sacrificing what they have for what they want. And the cannot accept that what they want will change from time to time, and that they cannot appreciate what they actually have! He should be grateful that he has someone in his life. Instead, he's agonizing over who to be with. The stupid thing is that this guy will likely never be satisfied! He'll always be looking for the next best thing. But don't worry, eventually, he'll find someone else to attach his so-called "romantic feelings" to, and he'll stop thinking about you. I know you guys are close, but it's better to be apart than to have to deal with his dreary soap opera, don't you think? He needs to learn how to be friends with a girl without making his girlfriend feel insecure. Or, maybe he's one of those guys who can't be friends with women without wanting them. This girl is protecting her territory because she's threatened by you. And FOR GOOD REASON. She should dump that idiot. She may figure that out on her own. But we women don't always do the most intelligent things when we're in relationships. (I just love understatements.)
Yikes	What I hate so much about this situation is that he's turned ME into the bad guy!!! Even though I was completely upfront with him from the beginning, telling him there was NO POSSIBILITY of me EVER wanting a relationship with him, it's like he's turned me into this slutty home-wrecker. I really resent him for the fact that he's presented me to his girlfriend to make ME look like some demonic temptress or something. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE HIS FRIEND, and he turns it around like I'M the one trying to break up their relationship. UGH!
cristal	well, i'd be careful when you second-guess people like that. i mean, he's not turning you into the bad guy -- or anything else for that matter. You're using those words. You're using the "slutty home-wrecker" reference. No one can "make" you anything. And it doesn't really seem that he's making you sound like you're trying to break them up. I think he's doing a pretty good job of that himself, don't you? If you feel strongly that your reputation is at stake, tell him to clear it up with her, so she knows the truth. And tell him that if he doesn't do that, there will be no more friendship with you, or any contact, ever. And that you'll post his nude photo on the Internet. Ha ha. just kidding.
ellybelly	Hi. I'm going to say something no one is going to like. I think you, Yikes, might also be a little bit responsible for this stuff. I think it may be disengenuous to say to someone, "Well, how would you want it to be if it could be any way you wanted it," knowing, as you did, that he had feelings for you, without acknowledging that what you actually want to hear is, "I'd be with you." I think maybe you wanted to hear that, a little bit. Thing is, we all have egos that occasionally drag us around by the short n curlies, so it ain't no thang, but... I simply mean to suggest that we function best in this world if we are pretty clear on our motivations for our actions... Even if we don't always like what we feel, if we own up, it doesn't force us into crappy situations quite so often. Jeeze Chinese, am I turning into Morality Mama or what? [This message has been edited by ellybelly (edited 03-28-2001).]
Yikes	I don't think I was clear in the original post. I never in anyway wanted him to say that he wanted to be with me over his girlfriend. My feelings of betrayal were not because I wanted him to choose me, but because I trusted him so much *as a friend*, and I felt like he threw that away too easily. My reason for asking the question was to try to help him understand what he wants. I didn't care what the answer was...I didn't need the answer to the question, but he did. He misconstrued it originally, but we're working it out now. In fact, things are better now than they've been in a while. It's incredibly difficult to express things in writing like this, but I'd just like to clarify that I have been completely honest with him from the beginning, telling him that I am in no way interested in a romantic relationship with him. It's difficult for me, because I'm playing two roles at once. On the one hand, I'm "that girl" (the one on Jerry Springer that gets hit with the chair), on the other I'm his friend. The friendship is more important to me than anything, so I've been trying to preserve that by giving him objective advice. I don't know. Maybe I'm just sick of having to justify everything I say and being constantly surrounded by melodrama. That's it...I'm becoming a hermit.
ellybelly	"...THen, last night, he told me that he still has romantic feelings for me. He asked if he was wrong in inferring any hope that I felt the same way. And I told him I didn't know. Because, honestly, I don't. Because of his girlfriend, I'm not allowing myself to think that way. Later on in the conversation, I asked him what his ideal situation would be. And he said something like "well, I know you're going to say since I have a girlfriend..." And I told him to forget about that for a second and tell me what he wanted..." Yikes, I am so not trying to be critical here -- I'm really not. It's just that I can kinda see where he got the impression that you might be returning his feelings, at least based on what you have recounted here. And you're right, he probably should have taken you at your word, that you "didn't know" whether you had romantic feelings for him. But "not knowing" and "not having" are two different things. Hopeful people, especially crused out hopeful people, will often construe what they would like to hear in situations such as these. It's hard to do, but it's important to be thoughtful in what we say to each other. Someone once told me that, if I am misunderstood, it's partly my fault for not explaining myself so that the other person might get what I'm saying. To me, "I don't know" means "I don't know. Maybe." (I say this because someone I care for is doing something similar to me right now.) And it's different -- profoundly -- from, "No matter what I might feel, I know that I don't want to be involved with you romantically right now." That's clear. I may be projecting onto you stuff that is far more appropriately projected onto my friend, but I keep getting the feeling lately that everyone around me is having a hell of a time simply stating, clearly and unequivocably, what they feel, what they think, what they want. it's makin me crazy...
Shayne	Elly, as someone who has always found it next to impossible to state, clearly and unequivocably, what he feels, thinks and wants, I have total sympathy for you. The fact is I've never had as easy a time with it as I do with the woman I'm with at the moment, and that's what makes me think she's something special. I also think your advice to Yikes is on the money. "I don't know" means just what it sounds like it means... plus baggage whoever is hearing it tacks on, and "maybe" is a reasonable piece of baggage to apply there. Ah, communication. It's what sets us apart from the animals, but the price of that is we get to have much more complicated lives.
Yikes	I definitely understand your point, Elly. It just pisses me off exquisitely that he turns an innocuous statement like that into "she wants me to dump my girlfriend and go out with her." I suck at the relationship mind-game thing because I'm very straight-forward. At the time, I wasn't thinking "gee...how is he going to take this", I was thinking "I'm going to tell him honestly as a friend." At this point, I'm sort of glad the whole mix-up thing happened...seeing his off the top reaction really made me realize that there is definitely not any romantic attraction at all, and there never will be. I'm sorry if I sounded snappish before...truth is, I've been in turbo-bitch mode since this whole thing began. So anyway, tonight he's helping me study for an art history exam. So let's hope "study" does not equate to "monkey sex". Eeeeehhhh.
ellybelly	Monkey sex? There's no actual possibility of that, is there? And go ahead and sound snap-ish, babe. That's why we're here...
Yikes	No, not at all. We were quite civilized, actually. I think things are finally back to normal. He's an awesome friend, and I think he's finally content with that. He helped me study for FIVE HOURS for this freaking art history exam...and he even watched "Survivor" with me! Speaking of...Jerri got voted off the island. My life has reached its pinnacle.
ellybelly	would that it were so easy for me. Maybe I'd better start watching this show.
cristal	Wow...that was fast. Things are back to normal after less than a week! Great job! i guess his girlfriend was more understanding than we originally thought. and he's a much better man as well. thank goodness.