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Juniper	I don't post much anymore.. but god, do I need to get this off my chest. My boyfriend of over a year and a half and I just fought.. again! It seems like lately I can't do anything but aggrevate him. I say "I" but really, I DON'T intentionally instigate the fight, usually something little I do just sets him off. I take the brunt of all his problems.. And I'm getting sick of it. He just walked out saying he loves me but needs time to think. "Time to think"? What the hell? He just finished telling me the other day how sorry he was that he keeps exploding at me and to take it with a grain of salt. Well I'm damn sick of taking it, period! So the problem? Well. I love him, silly me, but I freakin love the guy more than I care to think about. He can be wonderful, funny, sweet.. but then he turns and I can't do anything but wait for the storm to blow over. By that, I mean I have to wait until he's literally blown himself out by stamping around the room informing me how difficult I am to live with and how he doesn't know how he puts up with me. I can't say or do anything during that time, so I just sit there taking it and hate myself for being weak. Sigh. What to do, what to do. I try to tell myself to be strong and let him go, but I usually break down into a pathetic little heap of tears, and he stays. We work things out, we fight, I cry, we work things out. See the vicious circle I'm stuck in? It's utterly exhausting. On one hand, I can let him go, and possibly lose the love of my life. (We're informally engaged, we have dual bills now and a new car we bought, so now it's a bit more complicated. hurrah.) On the other hand, I can keep taking it and keep hating myself. He keeps telling me to change my ways, but what can I change? He won't tell me. Not that I'd do it anyway, I am what I am, and accept it or don't, I won't change the person I have fought so long and hard to become. So now what? I know he'll be back, he always is. But what then?? I can't bring myself to talk about it with my girlfriends, believe it or not... I just sit and stew with it. I guess I'm feeling hypocritical, considering the fact that I had advised most of them to chuck this kind of guy somewhere along the way. Maybe I just enjoy the image of the happy couple that we maintain in public. Whatever the reason, I don't know how to talk about this to anyone. OOoh. Life is complicated. [This message has been edited by Juniper (edited 03-04-2001).] [This message has been edited by Juniper (edited 03-04-2001).]
Meow	I know I'm in no position given my own personal upheavel to be giving advice on relationships, but you said in your post "...I can keep taking it and keep hating myself" NO YOU CAN'T!!! I understand you love this man and that's a very powerful thing, I'm not even saying you should or shouldn't leave the situation, only you really know what's best for you in that respect, but it is obvious that you can't keep taking it the way it is. It would be great to find a way to work it out since you love him so much, but you can't compromise yourself in the process...it is very damaging to be in a position where you feel you are doing things and hating yourself for them. I'm sure you already know this and it might not be very helpful, but sometimes we need to be reminded that we are important. You can't stay in a situation that is making you hate yourself...it's not healthy and it will only make you hate him too. Be happy...your post presented real turmoil and it grabbed my attention that you must be feeling very discouraged and upset right now...do something to make yourself happy right now, you know, eat some cheesecake or rent a comedy, go for coffee with a friend to distract you, you get the picture. (personally I'd opt for the cheesecake but that's just me)
cristal	Well, the first thing you need to know is that we rarely have only ONE love in our lives. So, don't worry if you think you're losing your one chance at happiness. You're not. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that the next love (if you choose to accept it) will be (or at least seem) exponentially better than the last. It's simply the laws of love. Because you learn a lot from each relationship. In this one, perhaps you're learning that it takes a lot for a person to change bad habits. And that you really need to take your own advice when it comes to being treated well. And that your future doesn't necessarily rely on a man who clearly needs "time to think." Perhaps the best thing you could learn right now is that you must not isolate yourself when you're having problems. Start talking to your friends. Because otherwise, you run the risk of staying in this situation for the wrong reasons. You also risk losing some very intelligent insight from your friends, who, incidentally, all this time, have been listening to their wise friend and absorbing all kinds of great advice. Give yourself the benefit of your friends' love and support. What better way to enrich your life? Don't be a dope. Talk to them! It's super hard when you live with someone to get away and think. But you may want to take the initiative and do just that. I also hear that couples counseling is pretty helpful. It helps you both redirect your words, so that you're not second-guessing one another all the time, or accusing the other of trying to hurting you. (Those are two bad habits to quit sometimes.) A counselor could help you understand why you lash out at each other instead of listen. And a counselor could help you understand why you just sit there taking it while he stomps around the room. You owe it to yourself to learn why you behave this way. Take the chance, spend the money, and start taking control of all this. ...and call your friends.
ellybelly	Your situation reminds me very much of something one of my dearest friends went through for 10 years. She married a man who raged every two weeks like clockwork and stayed with him while we her friends worried and worried about her. The day he called her terrible names during an argument, I broke the 11th commandment of friends and told her I thought she should leave him. She stopped talking to me about what was going on between them then. I think maybe she was embarassed, and maybe angry at me as well. Little by little, because she believed that she had a responsibility to stay with this man (and because, despite his rages, he had many wonderful qualities and she loved him) she moved farther and farther from her friends and became more and more isolated with her husband. They moved from a large city to a very rural area several hundred miles away from us all -- her friends and family, her home. Eventually, her husband was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder (his method of coping with the onset of the depressive phase, I think, was to rage at her). Shortly after, she left him and started a new (and very wonderful and rewarding, love-filled) life. She now regrets how much damage living like that did to her. Because she feels it was considerable. My point is -- what you are going through sounds abusive to me -- and your man doesn't have to be a certifiable asshole to be the kind of man who is emotionally abusive. My friend's husband didn't mean to injure her so badly -- he largely couldn't help himself. But since we do not officially know each other, I'm going to take a risk and break the 1th commandment again. Please consider leaving this man, even though you love him (and I beleive you do). Living in the center of that kind of rage will do you great harm in the long run. No matter how much you love him, you must learn to love yourself more -- or at least enough to protect yourself when he is unable to protect you from himself. good luck.
Juniper	Thanks ladies, for all the words of wisdom. I knew I could count on this forum! I have taken these two days away from him to really stop and think about things. Shortly after posting here, he called me from his brother's house to let me know he was sorry for leaving on a bad note (is there any other way in that kind of situation?). He told me again he loves me and just thinks a time away from each other could be healthy, and this doesn't mean we're in trouble. I told him we would always be in trouble unless he learned to get a tighter reign on his temper. This initiated another argument, which petered out with him apologizing again and telling me how hard he would try. Still, he's at his brothers, and not with me. I gave up and I told him to stay a couple of nights and really use this time to reflect, as much for his sake as for my own. That in itself is a step for me - I'm the kind of person that absolutely positively MUST have closure - no matter what the outcome - to be able to sleep at night. However, upon reflecting on all the relationships I have either been in or suffered through, I keep drawing the same conclusions. I DO love him, I DO want to be with him, I DO want to work something out. But I can't when I keep compromise myself. cristal - You are probably hitting the nail on the head when you recommend counselling. Problem? He won't go. period. I want to believe this is just a phaze. I left out a part, and I'm sorry - it's just still difficult for me to talk about. .. I lost our baby when I was three months pregnant about a month ago. Since then, his temper has got out of hand. This is when most of the real problems started. He was absolutely wonderful to me during that time, but was completely guilt-wracked, thinking for whatever his reason was that he should have seen it coming. (He's a med-student). I told him that was ridiculous, obviously, as there was no possible way he could have known. However, it has put a large strain on us. Again, I never told my friends. My boyfriend and I were keeping it a secret from everyone until we told the family, which never happened. Then I just never told them at all.. Which may or may not have been a blessing. I don't think I could handle any pity when I'm having enough of a time dealing with it myself. Why the hell am I so closed to talking about this stuff from everyone? Here's the question...... When will it stop? The guilt, the fighting...? Arghhh!!!! I wish I knew the answers ;(
ellybelly	Oh dear. You poor thing. You can't imagine how much I wish I could sit you down, make you a cup of tea and encourage you to bawl your eyes out for a good couple of hours. J., even if your man won't go to counseling, you really, really should go yourself. You give off every indication of being in deep grief. And it seems to me that, as a result of that grief, you are not able to take very good care of yourself right now. I understand loving him -- trust me, I really do -- but who in this situation is loving you, taking care of you, looking out for you? I understand too that your boyfriend is terribly hurt and disappointed over your miscarriage, but how could he possibly feel more guilt or sorrow than you, who actually physically had to experience the loss? Grief -- and the depression that so often results from it's supression -- is a powerful thing. It's something that must be confronted and honored in order to be survived. I feel very deeply for you right now, and truly truly hope you will take all our advice and get yourself some professional support right now. You very much need someone in your corner, looking out for you, which is precisely what a good counselor will do, while teaching you skills that will enable you to look out for yourself. Please take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you. elly
cristal	Yeah, girl. what she said.
Juniper	elly - you sound like you'd be a wonderful person to sit down and have a good "bawl" with - lol..... I really really really appreciate your posts. Sometimes the things people say here really do help when it comes to putting a situation into perspective. For now, though, I can't sit down and feel sorry for myself anymore. I've decided I've done enough of that. It's just too damn exhausting! Truthfully, I have considered talking to someone about the problems of late. I did sit down with my boyfriend though.. we talked about how I was feeling and HE actually brought up the idea of a counsellor. Not for US, but for me. He said he deals with his feelings his own way, and while they are perhaps not the best way, he says he's really going to try his best not to project his frustrations in my direction anymore. BUT, he said he knew I was depressed, and he told me he would support me if I chose to go to counselling. I didn't suggest going together - I told him I wouldn't do it. It's either he changes his behaviour, or I hitch it on outta there. I told him that while I knew he was struggling - with school, with everything that's been happening - that I just can't continue to keep going the way we've been going. We nearly broke up. But he promised to try, told me he'd do whatever he could to fix things, and I believe him. I actually got a sincere apology for the stress he put me through! But he knows I won't live with a timebomb anymore. Whether it's foolish or not, we'll see. But I think sometimes allowances should be made when it comes to loving someone else. As I've said, I want this to work, I really do. This past week has actually seen some great improvement. We have the usual little bicker here and there over where to go for supper, (normal couple stuff) but other than that we're back to normal. I feel much, much better about things. I'll continue to consider the counselling, but being open to each other now has really helped me release alot of the pain I was holding onto. So we'll see! Looks promising so far - thanks again you guys for being so great. I really feel alot of gratitude towards this site. It helps to vent, let me tell you!
Meow	Juniper, glad to hear things are going better for you right now. This is irrelevant to most of your post, but I have to ask...when you say bicker about where to go for supper, normal couple stuff, do you mean that you each want to go to different places and that's the kind of stuff you bicker about? My "friend" (ex boyfriend, current sex toy, I don't know quite what to call him...)and I always bicker about who has to make the decision...we are both way to easy going and argue about who is going to get stuck picking the place and making a decision! How refreshing it would be to bicker because we both have an opinion instead of the fact that neither of us does!
Terapin	I just wanted to post real quickly and let you gals know that I appreciate you all SO much. Just reading your posts and feeling all the support here...it really is a community and even though we don't know one another in person we know some of the most intimate things about one another. You might say that its easy to say personal things BECAUSE we are strangers to one another, but it really does take an amount of trust to bare ourselves and not know what others will make of it. Will they laugh at me? Will they tell me to grow up and stop whining? You are all wonderful, beautiful people(and don't need a man to realize it!) I know that you can always come here to vent and be supported, or, if I really AM being a dunce, get my head screwed on straight! Thanks. [This message has been edited by Terapin (edited 03-16-2001).]