posted 03-06-2001 06:38 PM            

Then there's me. What future could an old (1yr shy of OverTheHill), twice married, overweight, insecure mom have? I have resigned myself to growing up, finally. You know, finding myself. Funny, I didn't even know I was lost.

posted 03-07-2001 05:26 AM            

I was just writing to a friend, a new father, who made the comment to me recently that he felt his days of being "the arrow" were over -- that now he was "the bow" from which his children would fly. He said, "we are arrows in our youth, that time is finished," and it made me very sad to hear him say so.

So I've just spent an hour or so trying to craft a letter to him (rather unsuccessfully) to say, The day you give up being the arrow is the day you begin to die. Don't do it.

I think it's particularly tough for women -- for mothers especially -- to remember that we are more than our form and our function in this world. But we are. Keeping track of that fact is the better part of sanity, TR.

And the truth is, you are never really lost. You're just buried deep beneath other people's ridiculous ideas and expectatinos about you.

posted 03-07-2001 08:02 AM            

...and a really good exercise regimen can do wonders. It keeps you young. Keeps you turned on. Your face starts looking all pink and young. You'll have more energy than you know what to do with.

Take it from an old twice-married, once-overweight woman who's right behind you, forging up that same hill, only pushing a wheelbarrow filled dirt to pile on top, to make that stupid hill a really, really tall mountain.

posted 03-07-2001 10:32 AM            

SOME of us don't have in-house booty around....you lucky charm you...

posted 03-07-2001 11:29 AM            

I'm not a mother, and so far it's only been once divorced (I plan on keeping that track record). EVERYONE is insecure about something - I don't care who you are! You can change the physical stuff - just make sure you're doing it for YOU - not just to bag YOUR next victim. The head stuff is the worst. Go to the library or book store and get every sappy self help book that grabs you and read them. Vow to yourself that you'll never sweep what you want under the rug for anyone ever again. Think about the time before the 170lb growth (go back further if you have to) and do all the stuff you've been surpressing or find out what it is you want to do and do it. Rely on your friends. If you don't have one good enough to REALLY confide in or help you get back out there in the world, vent to the bittersluts. You are not alone in your situation.

posted 03-07-2001 04:24 PM            

One of the blessings of love is that we are loved EVEN THOUGH we are not perfect.

I sometimes think this self-improvement thing is just another flaming hoop we competent and perfectionist women set up ourselves to jump through again. I remember my therapist telling me I had to be easier on myself, be kinder in what I told myself about myself, give myself a break, and I sat there thinking, Shit, what the hell is wrong with me that I can't even be nice to myself...what an idiot I must me...okay, I'm going to be nice to me if it kills me...

I'm definitely not even remotely close to perfect -- and some on this forum can attest to that fact personally.

I have quirks, and insecurities, and areas where I'm weak or blind or silly or stupid. I also have strengths and beauties and areas where I am amazing wise and talented and kind and strong.

I know I can love myself up, Just. But it isn't the same as being kissed by someone, is it? I don't know that I need a relationship with someone, but I certainly want one with someone (some particular someone -- not some general someone). And I'm tired of feeling like if I'm a little neurotic, or a little injured, or a little or a lot anything that isn't one hundred percent spit-polished and worked out that I won't be able to have a relationship. Some of that really deep healing, I think, that we need to do can ONLY come from being loved by someone else.

Think about this -- one of the most powerful incentives for people to become religious is the invitation to be "loved by Jesus, despite our sins." The idea is that God loves us, all of us, no matter what we do. No matter how fat our thighs are or what a shitty thing we just said to the kids or how we really got married just to get out from under our parents' watchful eyes and now look at the mess we're in. Wow. We're human. We don't have to be the emotional Bionic Woman.

So okay, if that abstract love is redemptive (and for many, many people it is) how much more redemptive will REAL love be?

My point (and do I have one, as per usual) is this, ladies: Most of the time, the biggest, baddest bossiest jerk we have to contend with is our own selves, screaming and shouting at ourselves that we have to GET OUR SHIT TOGETHER...

I don't think we do. At least not all the way. Life is a process, not a goal.

And therefore, should we desire to spend a little time ON our backs, probably the quickest way to get there is to GET OFF our own backs, if you follow my rather inane drift...

posted 03-07-2001 09:04 PM            

I have dated a few of the wrong guys for the wrong reasons since the split and finally called it all off to work on me. I am finally, I think, getting on that road.

posted 03-16-2001 11:31 PM            

Half the time I don't know what I'm doing in my relationship. If I'm upset about something or feeling insecure and I actually allow myself to share that with my boyfriend, to let it out and have him hold me while I talk about those flaws/insecuritites the second they are out of my mouth I wish I could snatch them back! I feel so GUILTY for being flawed. I think him so kind and wonderful for loving me despite my imperfection and I wish I could be perfect for him because he doesn't deserve a person like me.